There was so much to say. So much to feel. So much to share. So much to express. There were so many moments to live. It was so less. So so less. I think I could never be satisfied with time we had. But still there was so much that we could do.
I saw a child today. A child crying. Her grandma just died. A neighbour. Few scenes flashed. Five months back. An unexpected news. Grandma it was your goodbye. I was not ready. I could never be. I still remember I couldn’t stop crying the whole night. When I saw your body. Your eyes were still open. I am still crying. That scene never let me be at peace. I still remember reciting Bhagwat Gita’s shlok, sitting near your feet. Entire night. I didn’t want to leave you for a single second. I didn’t want them to take you away. You were the best. Seven grandchildren. Six grandaughters. No discrimination. When they were taking you away. For the last rites. That was the worst moment of my life. I was watching you go. Leaving me. We all six sisters were crying. Divided by our birth parents. United by your blood and love. We were sobing uncontrollably. That was my first public display of intense human emotions on huge scale. Never cried before so many people. But it didn’t matter. All that matter was you were leaving. And you left. Just left.
I never mentioned your name in front of anyone. I knew it would bring tears to me. And I won’t able to stop. I never displayed any sadness. It’s difficult for me to overcome it. I went out. Partied for last five months. Uploaded pictures on social media. It was my way of forgetting you. Now you don’t come to my thoughts so often. May be because for last few years we weren’t living together in one house, so I never felt your absence on daily basis. But whenever you come to my thoughts it hurts. It hurts too much.
I had such an awesome childhood with you. I remember all your childhood stories you narrated me. The appearance of your dad. Your mom. And even your grandmom. The way you played with your sibling with your favourite frock on. I miss all those fables and stories you told me. Our very own bed time moments. I miss your laugh. I miss your special prayer session on my birthdays. We had a bond. I was the eldest. Your first grandchild. I was supposed to be your favourite. And I was. Our little moments. I miss you. Whenever I see an old lady. Or anything else that could remind me of you, give me this lump in my throat. Can we meet again. Can I talk to you again. Can you stay with me again. I promise I will be better this time. The best grandaughter in the world. I will never disappoint you. But please just come back. I promise you I will take care of all your grandchildren. Will Remember them on their special days as you did. You just come back.
I didn’t do justice with the title. Neither I am an outcast nor abandoned. It’s just my thoughts that make me feel so.
Have you ever felt lonely even in the presence of myriads of people. Even when you have plenty of persons to address as your friends and still lack this one person in your life. I am clearly not stating myself different form others, the one who is so special that doesn’t fit. I don’t intend to. I am unique just the way you are. Equally common. Equally special. The thing which makes me an outcast is the lack of a genuine shoulder to cry on. A listening ear to share something with. A person to laugh my heads off with.
Even though being socially super active, talking to everyone, having fun with friends- kind of girl, there is still a void in my life that has to be filled. Being oversensitive is the trait I want to eliminate in my life. But sometimes I think it’s not my fault. I never got enough pampering. Being the eldest. The most responsible one. People never saw the kid in me who craves for a little care and love. Always keeping people happy, Being there when they are sick, Asking about their problems is a thing I want to do and always will. But sometimes I need to feel that too. And losing the very best friend in my life intensifies the situation. Have no one to tell about how the day went. How I am feeling. How life is going. The void now becomes a giant black hole, where emotions get compressed and lost. No one even knows whether they existed at the first place.
Talking about my endless hobbies and few achievements isn’t about showing off. It’s just a sign that the person listening to me might find a person with same interests and I too might get a companion to spend some time with.
I might not be perfect. I might not be that best friend someone dreamt of. But if someone respects my sensitiveness and is happy to be with me she may find that I have the potential to be a decent friend. A soothing companion.
Being OUTCAST isn’t just about being alienated. It’s about feeling that emptiness which surrounds your life, paying visits now and then when you are already at your breaking point.
You are a human. You need humans. Humans full of empathy. If not humans, a single human will also do. Just one of them.
The one who is there for you.
The one who knows that just a few words can heel you.
The one who knows you.
The one with whom you can share your happiness, your pain, your success, your failure.
The one who can bring smile on your face.
The one who respect the way you are.
The one who wants to be with you.
The one who will never leave your side. No matter what.
The one who despite of all the misunderstandings and fights, believe in your relationship.
The one with the human touch.
I thought I was special for you. Every thing you said. Those little deeds. Our little fights. I thought all those things were just meant for me. I was so happy to find you because i always believed in a sacred relationship like this. I always dreamt of that. I never wanted anything in return. Just a recognition of my true love.
At the beginning, I never thought you will reciprocate whatever I did. But it happened. I was so happy. I was in heaven. Our relationship had no name. I was happy. I knew this was true love, it doesn’t need any name. I just loved you the way you are. In the most pure way. You were my soulmate. First a single soul which divided in the course of time. Those souls which are present with you in your every life, As a sister, father, spouse, grandparents, lover, best friend. And in this life you were in a total new relationship. I thought it will continue forever but it ended too soon. And the way it ended broke me to the core.
When I saw you with someone else. Sharing those same moments. Saying those same words. I felt like cheated. My trust just got a major setback. It Made me cry my soul out loud. This pain in the chest is unbearable. You should never have told me that I was special to you. You were wrong when you made me feel so happy. Because now it hurts a lot more than that. I told you the very first time that I my feelings for you will remain the same throughout my lifetime, no matter what you think about me. You made me feel different. I was so happy. But now when I know I am not the only one, my tears don’t stop rolling down.
I became so dependent on you and now I am getting the punishment. I know I am no one to you but it hurts. My feelings for you are still rock hard. I hate this. Why do I have to love you so much. I know it’s not a crush or a mere physical attraction. Because I always loved your soul. It vibrated with me.
The problem is, you never told that I was that special to you. You were just there for me. You made me feel special. And I was the one who thought that yeah! I am as special to you as you are to me. But this can never happen.
I am broke to the core. I need some rest. I need some peace.
I have always loved you. I loved that smell of a new chapter, a new concept. Every question solved gave a feel good feeling. Every theory proved, had its own sense of achievement. Every new article written made me feel like Shakespeare. Every new story gave me a whole new world experience. Every new reaction done was a new mystery solved. I always loved your company. I really did. But now when I need to concentrate more, why are you drifting away.
I need you dear. Need you badly. But why are you constantly loosing war from my mobile. Why fb, WhatsApp and Instagram are overpowering you. Why is my emotional side has become your new found enemy. Why every little thing makes you go away from me. I need you dear. Need you badly.
I again want that passion back. I again want to smell those new chapters. I want to play with you. I want to spend time together. You are my best companion. My best love. Come back to me. I request. Please. Don’t be so merciless. I am waiting. And always will. Till you again let me touch you. Feel you. And explore you.
When your best friend finds a new best friend and you feel like a potato. When the person you thought will always have time for you, apparently doesn’t. And the lack of pouring out your feelings make you sick. You realize the meekness of your flesh and blood. Your human nature.
Always being an extrovert I had too many friends but a few to call the special ones. Even relationship with parents was more sort of respect rather than of openness. In initial years of my life I had my school(the good old happy school). Never thought that loneliness will ever touch me. Being hyperactive, participating in every activities, excelling in studies, Everything was just perfect. Simply perfect. But then it all got over. I graduated from school. Life of competitive exams commenced and my life as a LONE WOLF started. There was no school to make me happy. So I got emotionally dependent on few people (my parents not being a part of that group). The ones who will always will be special to me but the vice versa in ambiguity.
Going through severe ups and downs this LONE WOLF became stronger and stronger yet weaker and weaker. Those special ones still exists in my life but at some other end. I still crave for their company and again the vice versa in ambiguity. When the lows continue for a bit longer their name still pop up first. I pick up my phone. Dial their number or try to text. But my decreasing importance in their lives make me rethink. Although, I give them full right over me yet my right over them is still a mystery. I can never blame them for my own sadness nor can I leave them. I can just wait. Or just give this LONE WOLF a more lonely diet. Never thought people can also give withdrawal symptoms. These hilarious situations in my life may never end but someday I surely will. And I hope that till that day I Learn to not to be a potato.
This LONE WOLF has learnt how to not manifest its pain but never learnt to learn how to alleviate the pain that this pain gives.
It is terribly insane to even imagine holding a daughter in one’s arm. How it can be magical! For God’s sake, which intelligent man on the face of this earth wishes for a daughter. It’s a nightmare. A curse. And those who does are IDIOTS. Sheer IDIOTS. MORONS. Emotional fools. Everyone knows a daughter is a disgrace to the family. They have no right to be born. Neither rich nor poor desires them. Then how can I? It’s a shame even if I think of her. A TABOO.
Her suffering will start at the moment she will be born.My daughter would literally cry after seeing her father cursing the lord. Even though that will occur only once but that will be inevitable. Society will never welcome her in the way they would have welcomed her brother. There will be a little celebration or none. She will again cry after hearing her aunts saying, “a boy would have been far better”. These lines might be never uttered again but never forgotten.
She might not get education in the school she wants. She might not be allowed to dress as she wants. She will have no rights to laugh or speak loud ( girls of RESPECTED families doesn’t behave in such a way). She may get some love but FREEDOM, don’t even imagine that. While growing up she will bleed. She will cry. Me too. We will have no choice. Her father may want her to study well but never allow her to take the path which she wants. The way will be decided by him. Now it will not be lack of love but lack of trust on others.
She will be TERRIFIED and HORRIFIED of those OTHERS her entire life.
She will feel insecure at every place in this universe. Lewd comments and teasing will be part of her daily routine. She will be conscious every time. While Travelling. Studying. Walking. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Talking. She will always be a responsibility. A liability. Her life will be restricted. It will be her sole job to take care of her family and the house.
That feeling of OUTSIDER will prevail throughout. Her own house will belong to her parents. The new one to her inlaws. Basically, she would die homeless. People have a 2 parts of a name. She will have only one, cause the other one will first belong to her father and then her husband. She will take responsibility of all the members of her house, leaving herself. She will carry on stupid rituals for her father, brother, husband, son. Her in laws will want her to carry on with a job while handling the entire house. Her husband may not be loyal to her but she necessarily have to. It’s her DHARMA and KARMA. The other and the most important reason for her in laws to allow her to live in their house will be to bore them a son or else the whole point to let her live there will be in vain. And again she will wish I DON’T WANT A DAUGHTER.