Surgery ON A Doctor – Part 1 (The decision)

I beg your pardon for the fallacy in the title as I am not a doctor in practice but a doctor in the process. And it’s utmost happiness to call ourselves something we aspire to be in the near future. 😉

Coming back to the subject, I have a story. A real story indeed.

On an evening of June summer as the last of the sun dipped into the horizon, I was coming back to home on my scooty. Oh dear! My dear, dear scooty.

Just few steps away from my place I experienced a jolt. The very next moment I was lying on the road with my dear scooty resting peacefully on my body. Reiterating the words of the people surrounding me it came to my senses that it was a monkey who was behind all this, leaping just in front of my scooty and a difference of few seconds might have crushed my skull. Wait a minute, a monkey?! How strange is that! And that too on a Tuesday evening considered to be the day of Lord Hanuman, the monkey faced Hindu deity. My mother cursed my planetary positions and commanded me to ask for forgiveness for all my sins then and there.

Well, my X-rays were negative. So, I was sent home with a diagnosis of minor muscular damage. Little did I know that it had more to it.

After two months of that fateful day I was all set to play basketball. Oh dear! My dear, dear basketball.

By this time I was walking perfectly so it didn’t occur to me that running might be an issue. The moment I leaped to basket with my knees fully extended I heard a tearing voice and I felled upon the court. With excruciating pain running through my left injured leg I went back home. I thought my muscles need some more time to heal and I might be exaggerating the pain. Little did I know that it had more to it.

After two months of that second fateful day I was all set to play basketball, again. Oh dear! My dear, dear basketball. The history repeats itself. And so do the events in my life. I again felled in an unsuccessful attempt to run. But this time I knew it had more to it than just a sheer muscular damage.

My teacher and one of the best orthopaedic surgeons in the town diagnosed a knee ligament tear.

( The Ligament is like a spring, joining two bones, once torn cannot be sewn back. Not visible through an X Ray, the tear was diagnosed by the MRI report.)

How ironic it is that being a medical student it took me 5 months to reach the right conclusion.

As normal walking is not affected in an Anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) tear I had an option to postpone it till I complete my MBBS at the expense of my running spree. God was being merciless to me.

Furthermore, the duration of postponing my surgery was directly proportional to the number of other structures being damaged in the knee.
At the other end, a three hour surgery was waiting in line with many disastrous outcomes-
1. Bed rest for one month.
2. No Scooty for three months.
I was living a dreary dream and had a tough decision to make…..

(To know the rest of the story stay tuned.)

Outcast

I didn’t do justice with the title. Neither I am an outcast nor abandoned. It’s just my thoughts that make me feel so. 
Have you ever felt lonely even in the presence of myriads of people. Even when you have plenty of persons to address as your friends and still lack this one person in your life. I am clearly not stating myself  different form others, the one who is so special that doesn’t fit. I don’t intend to. I am unique just the way you are. Equally common. Equally special. The thing which makes me an outcast is the lack of a genuine shoulder to cry on. A listening ear to share something with. A person to laugh my heads off with.

Even though being socially super active, talking to everyone, having fun with friends- kind of girl, there is still a void in my life that has to be filled. Being oversensitive is the trait I want to eliminate in my life. But sometimes I think it’s not my fault. I never got enough pampering. Being the eldest. The most responsible one. People never saw the kid in me who craves for a little care and love. Always keeping people happy, Being there when they are sick, Asking about their problems is a thing I want to do and always will. But sometimes I need to feel that too. And losing the very best friend in my life intensifies the situation. Have no one to tell about how the day went. How I am feeling. How life is going. The void now becomes a giant black hole, where emotions get compressed and lost. No one even knows whether they existed at the first place.
Talking about my endless hobbies and few achievements isn’t about showing off. It’s just a sign that the person listening to me might find a person with same interests and I too might get a companion to spend some time with.

I might not be perfect. I might not be that best friend someone dreamt of. But if someone respects my sensitiveness and is happy to be with me she may find that I have the potential to be a decent friend. A soothing companion. 

Being OUTCAST isn’t just about being alienated. It’s about feeling that emptiness which surrounds your life, paying visits now and then when you are already at your breaking point.

Dissection Days Of Medical School

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Getting into a medical college is a dream come true. But how this dream genuinely turns out to be is a whole different story. And stories are meant to be said and to be heard. 

Freshman year can be both tiring and exciting. The day your selection into this profession is announced you already feel  like a doctor. With overnight increase in your status in society, life seems to be what you dreamt of. Amongst the celebrations and laughs you forget that the life itself is waiting eagerly to laugh on your situations very soon for a quite large number of years.(I can hear the fierce laughs in the background. Teasing and mocking our helplessness)

Joyously, you start your journey to become a person next to God while going through hell (it’s not hell for sure but dramatising everything is my forte😉). The best part of freshman year is the dissection lab. Where in the first time in your life you see a human. A dead human.(those noble souls who donate their parts so that the other living ones can get a better opportunity to live). You see human in his raw form. It is so exciting for a medical student to cut the skin and gradually move deeper into the body, feeling every bit of it, layer by layer. The yellow fat, those arteries and veins, those nerves and those bones. Those bare bones.

However, a picture with god’s artwork is mandatory for every single student. A thing to be proud of for many generations to come and to show off to your friends in different colleges and to those relatives who were too jealous to be never so happy  for your selection in the first place. Not a single soul in our D hall misses this opportunity( I shall not forget to mention how we are restricted to use phones and click pictures inside the dissection hall, but the flashes are too often seen and the shutter voice is more often than not heard- certainly our new found trait of dismissing every single order.). With the strong smell of formalin, we count how many of us embraces the mother earth, nauseating and totally unconscious. With this time our batch giving more male formalin targets, a sense of pride can be seen in every female eyes. That how this misogynistic society has took us wrong and how our journey to prove ourselves has begun.

Day by day with increased instances of people bunking the class, getting punishments, made fun of in front of  the whole class and yet laughing on their situation amazes me. I am more sort of teacher fearing girl. Or I must say norms fearing girl. Going according to the rules and too sensitive to handle such things. A single act of sending me out of the class along with other students for launghing too loud in the class, made me sob and sulk for the entire day. I guess I will take some time to adjust but eventually I will get along with this bunking and punishment stuff. 

Studying is still the most difficult thing to do. On one hand where our course require us to study every day and mug a very good amount of facts, we still find it difficult to maintain pace with the running course. And today i want to tell the world that we medical students, also use fb and Instagram. Waste ample amount of time  showing off our selection by posting those white coats highlighting pictures. And letting our precious time squander.

Still we work harder than any other college students. We study more. Because we are in the noblest profession. Dealing directly with the lives of people. Which makes us more accountable and responsible. That makes us who we are. Starting right from the dissection days to curing live patients.

Tell The Wolves I Am Home- Missed you WordPress

​Home is where we live. Home is where we feel. Home is where we are raw. Home knows our secrets. Home is where we laugh in joy. We cry in sadness. We dance in merriment. We sing to express. And WordPress is my home. The home I missed.

After ten months I am writing again. It feels homely. Those good old days are back. The reason I took break was my studies. It was the much needed break. And here I am now, finally enrolled into a medical college and a doctor in process.

In the days of my struggle WordPress and my WordPress friends were always there. In my previous failures, whenever I wanted to write my heart out, WordPress was there. I cried here. I nagged. I narrated my raw story to everyone. My fellow bloggers always encouraged me. With their experience and worldly knowledge they guided me. I had a great time with them all. And now that era has started again. I feel it’s the beginning of a new story.

So cheers to all of us and for those beautiful days to come.      

GO WORDPRESS

A new name for my blog

Hello friends! After seeing so many good blogs with very good blog titles, I am thinking to change my blog’s name. I want something unique and eye catchy. Something out of the box. So I want all my fellow bloggers to help me out with this.
If anyone has any good idea regarding it kindly comment your suggestion. And if you think the current name is already a good one, please let me know.
I am eager for your responses. Please do comment your suggestion.
Good day:)

Dear diary(17 Aug 2015)

My Diary

Overwhelmed by my emotions I find it difficult to write today. After so many years being together I guess you must be knowing how I feel. Yet I need to pen it down. I need to tell you how I feel. I need to alleviate my pain cause no one else will ever know what I am going through.
When I woke up today there was an uncanny pain in my stomach. I knew the reason. My RESULT. I felt like I will vomit out in no time. Still I put the brave face on and greeted Nani(grandma) good morning (you know I am staying at her house for few weeks). The next thing I did was to check that horrifying site. Nothing. Blank. No results. It was nani’s clothes washing day and we started our task. At 11:40am I got a message that our result was announced. I felt sick. A roar in my stomach was so loud. Thank God I was at a appreciable distance form any living being except that wall lizard. I continued my task. After 30 min I tried to see my result. My 2g pack betrayed me. Site didn’t open. My anxiety grew more and more. My friend called. I was pathetic. I didn’t even asked about her and just started telling how I couldn’t open the site. She said she didn’t make it. I felt sorry. I Said everything will be fine and continued with my whining. Sorry but I was agitated. She told me that I will need my roll number. It dawned upon me that I didn’t remember it except the registration number. I was sweating. Then another friend called. The same thing happened but now I asked her to open my account to retrieve my roll number. Such an angel she is despite her loss she tried it for me. I thought to go home and find my roll number. The mistake number 2. I forgot the keys. Calls keep coming. I said the same old answer again and again. I was behaving hysteric. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying too hard to get to the site. I used my uncle’s 3g data. It too disappointed. Atlast when I got into my account it refused to tell my roll number. Now I had no option left except waiting for my sister to came home from school. Calls keep coming. I answered the same. I was feeling pathetic. I thought to take bath but my clothes were all wet due to yesterday’s rain. What a day it was.
After sometime I got ready. Unwillingly ate my favourite food. Today it didn’t have that regular taste. That magic. At 2:15 when I saw my result I was a bit happy cause I scored 10 marks more that in thought. It vanished after a few moments. I called my sir. He knew my marks.( I could have asked him before😒). My rank was very low. This year cut off was high. That pain grew. Now with greater intensity. This lump was like a strange one. I started crying at that moment. He said my chances are less. I felt a Dr. was telling. I was on a dead bed. It was hard to understand what was going on. He again asked whether I will drop again. Words. These words can’t be more painful. I failed. I still have chance. But my high rank dream was in trash.
I kept crying. Calls kept coming. After 1 hour I went back to nani’s house. Within 5 min I took my keys. Told Nani I was going on a ride. Took my scooty. I was driving. Crying. Driving. Crying. Driving. Passed my tuition. Reached near my best friend’s house and called her. We both had failed. I told her to come with me. She denied. I reached her home. She was lying on the bed. Expression less. It was funny. I didn’t have any emotions left. We talked. Talked. Talked. My eyes were burning. They were tired. They cried a lot. We went out. Drove a long way. Reached a restaurant. Told each other that how if anyone of us would have passed we might have ended sobbing alone. We laughed. We laughed our way loud. We both knew we always wanted something else. Still the feeling of failure is unbearable. We took selfies. Again felt happy that atleast we were together. Human nature never cease to amaze me.
I reached nani’s home. Still call kept coming. I answered all. My inbox was full of messages. Everyone wanted to talk. I wanted rest. Still I answered. I didn’t need their sorries. Just peace. Silence. No one understood.
Just now answered one more call and now my battery is dead. I guess I won’t be able to answer more. I am sure. I wish you were real. I wish I could hug you. I wish this day never came. My head. My body. My soul want a soothing touch. And I guess sleep will do.
Good night diary.
Your failure friend,
R

My first Liebster award

Do you know what is ray of hope? It is getting a liebster award when you think you are useless as an old newspaper.
A month ago  when i failed one of my competitive exams and wrote an article to alleviate my pain. just after a few moments i saw this comment in my comment box from my WordPress friend chiruhr saying that i have been nominated for the liebster award. that moment i realized that i too exist for something and i too have a worth. i was on cloud nine. since my exams were on the go i postponed writing this article for a while. and now i am ready to give my full attention to my blog and my fellow bloggers.
Here are a few things about me-
1. I am an indian teenager in her last teen year and i am giving myriads of exams to become a doctor.
2. truely speaking i want to become a scientist and a social worker. Going into medical is my decision to make my parents happy.
3. I love music, writing, reading etc. etc. in short i love doing everything.
4. I have a younger sister and i love her more than anything else.
5. In my school days i was ridiculously active and part of the student counsel. i was once red house captain, the next year vice headgirl and in my last year science president.
6. Being an indian girl can be sometimes tough but the people i love the most give me the strength to smile on the face of all the problems
7.i am very emotional and crave for honest relations.
8.A P J Abdul kalam sir is my idol.
9. at last i have found my perfect teacher about whom i will be writing in my next posts.
10. i am very good at making friends.
11. and i desperately want to get in shape. I have put on enormous amount of weight during my intense studying months.

Here are the answers to the questions asked by him. So excited to answer them-
1. Why Blogging? How did you land up here?
I have always loved writing and wrote many articles on my fb wall. Then one of my teachers suggested that i should write a blog cause he was very impressed by my way of writing. After that day writing a blog was the only thing permanent in my mind. And eventually i landed up writing it.

2. What is the brightest and darkest moments of your life?
my brightest moment was when i realized that i can write.
my darkest moment was the day when someone accused my of stealing something. as i am very timid even the thought of being accused make me feel sick.

3. What is the one weakness you have, you are unable to remove from your life?
i cry very easily and cant control my emotions in front of everyone.

4. What are your dreams for next five year?
i want to learn each and every thing like learning many musical instruments, sketching, dancing, and writing my own novel.

5. Who has been the most influential blogger you follow and why?
it is wandering violet case she writes so beautifully and was the first one with whom i became so much familiar on wordpress.

6. Tell something about the place you come from and how it is different from other parts of the world?
i live in india in a state called rajasthan. it is beautiful. with a beautiful people. our tradition and culture is very different from the rest of the world. people are conservative yet very helpful. girls are not given much freedom yet we our loved very much.

7. Are you religious and/or superstitious? What are your beliefs?
no i am not. i am truly secular

8. What is your favorite sport? If no sports, what do you like as your favorite hobby?
i love playing basketball, reading, writing, listening to music watching TV

9. What is the importance of education as per you?
it’s the path where there is no final point. the path itself is the prize.

10. How is internet changing your life? Do you see it as a threat?
most importantly i am here because of internet where people from around the globe are reading this which was never possible without internet.
i dont see it as a threat cause oneself decides how much priority one has to give it in his/her life. you control it not the counterpart.

11. What is love according to you? Is there anything like eternal love?
yes , there is eternal love and it can be with anyone, love is something that make you feel complete and in someone’s presence you experience the eternal joy which can’t be experienced with the worldly things or money .

I would like to nominate following bloggers.
apeksha bhandari
tea
soumi
deepak chandran
mithai
karuna
mayur
apeksha C

my additional questions are
1. how will you try to change the world?
2. how is your relationship with your family and friends?

With this, I would like the nominees to answer the questions that I have answered in this post.

If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

2. Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

3. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)
Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

5. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:
Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

 

I make mistakes

I am a terrible doer. I make horrible mistakes, catastrophic ones. The worst part isn’t making those mistakes but is their realisation, the after guilt and the fear of the outcome rather than the outcome itself. The moment I realise I did something wrong, the mini depression knocks my door. My heart beat swings between highs and lows. Suddenly my head aches. I just feel I am at Marina Trench. When I find out that all of it started because of my carelessness or my negligence and the entire blame is on me, that I am the wholely responsible one. The feeling makes my heart ache as if it’s gonna burst in pieces and the last thing I own will too go away.

When my mistakes solely hurts me, it is still bearable. The mistakes which affects those about whom I care the most, are the worst ones. The guilt is at the zenith. I cry. And I cry. Again I cry till my eyes give up, shuts down, my mind slows down and my sleep cum hangover of the excessive crying makes me forget everything. I don’t remember what happen in those hours but I need them. I do. Waking up, I am clueless about what happened. After few seconds everything flows back to my mind like a river with it’s full zeal and I just flow back to where I started. The pain returns. All those thoughts replay. Again. Again. And again. I am drenched in the water of my guilt, waiting for those sun rays to evaporate my sadness but the clouds surrounding my heart never let it happen. I wish I could run away. Run away from the reality. It is much more easy rather than facing it. But it isn’t how it works. And I carry on heavyhearted.

I want to say sorry. To me. To those whom I have hurt. Whom I have let down. I know I make many mistakes. Again. Again. And again. I know I repeat them. But when I say sorry. I am. Even if I say it again. Again. And again. If my mistakes hurt someone, believe me it hurts me ten times more. I cannot reassure you about no reoccurrence. But I can, about my intentions to stop them.

You may not forgive me. I’ll not ask to.
You may think it’s all my fault. I’ll take the blame. But never think I do it intentionally. I would never. I know there’s no sorry for my mistakes but I have to say it. It depends on you to forgive me or not. I make mistakes but I am really sorry when I say it.