Experiencing a total blackout was all what left in my life. Couldn’t stand all that. What happened yesterday just made it worse. I am shocked to experience human nature including mine. How we just hurt others and ourselves.
Did not she know me? How I am? What things I can do? Still hard to believe something like this can happen to me.
Yesterday I got to know about Ruchi Ma’am doubting me and indirectly alleging me. I never did anything to her. Always being the good student. Doing everything what others wanted. Behaving in the most right manner. Still something let her do it. I could forgive but cannot forget. My school was not my school anymore. Every eyes watching made me feel I was judged for something I never did as if inducing pseudo guilt.
It all started two months back. I was in the library studying after my school as we finished it an hour before everyone else. The librarian was absent. There were three more students sitting in the rest three corners. In front, my favorite teacher Nancy Ma’am was sitting in the next row facing me. She winked at me. I did the same. Besides me Ruchi Ma’am was sitting, reading her own stuff. The bell rang and I went away, unaware of what happened at my back.
Next day I was being called in the principal’s office. I did not know why. I saw those three girls again. Though it was weird, I took it lightly. I thought the principal might have some work. Back inside the office, I saw Ruchi Ma’am sitting in front of her. That was the time I sensed something wrong going on. We were informed about Nancy Ma’am’s lost mobile phone which she had lost last afternoon in the library. I was shocked yet calm. Nancy Ma’am knew me too well. I thought she would never doubt me. We had a special relationship and trusted each other too much. After half an hour of discussion, one thing was cleared, I and Ruchi Ma’am left before everyone else while Nancy ma’am’s purse was kept open when she went for her work. Being under confident for several years, that was the period when I started gathering up my confidence. In that confidence fever, I told the principal what I felt, “I do not need any cell. Both my parents are working. If I want anything, I will ask them. Besides, I do not fancy these things.” I guess that was my first bid mistake. After further questioning some statements started contrasting, where I said I was the first one to leave and Ruchi Ma’am opposed me saying she was the one. One of the three girls was known to me, Blessy, who backed me. The rest two were on the other side. Watching all this I could not control my emotions and ruined my expressions. This was my second big mistake. This was the time I stared feeling negative. However, no evidences were against me yet my two mistakes made me think that I had a sown a doubt’s seed in principal’s mind. She gave us one day to rethink or else she would call police. That mere word POLICE accelerated my heartbeat. Just a thought of being suspected as guilty, made me tensed. Nancy Ma’am consoled me saying that she knew I was right. It was relieving but my heart knew my life had changed. I did not tell anything to anyone cause I promised someone. That entire day in school was like being in an ocean yet without water. That water was someone’s company. At the end of school, my doubt proved to be right. I was one of the main suspects. The second one was Blessy cause she did something wrong the previous day that made her stuck in that situation. We were ordered to bring our parents to school the next day else it won’t be good for us. It was unbearable. I was sweating hard. The way back home was the most difficult ride. I knew my mom could not make it cause she had some urgent work. I was afraid. Finally, I shared everything. I could not stop crying. She promised me she would try her best to come. She consoled, I was not in that state to be. Next morning my eyes were red and swollen but I made them normal with some ice. Somehow, I survived the first class. In the next I was being called. I was shaking down that hallway. I saw my mother in the office. That meeting made me hate those four walls for my entire life. The meeting at first was normal where it was described by the principal just a step to find the main robber but eventually things changed. My mother was insulted indirectly for not knowing English too well along with some other trivial accusations. I could not stand it. It was all like a big bad dream, which was not ending at all. The entire day I never stopped crying. Many were suspicious, no one knew. Everyone said it was over but I knew it wasn’t. I had to live with that, until, the phone was found. Many consoled me and made me believe that they all believed me. Yet it had no impact, I was all the same.
From last two months everyday those faces made me relive all those moments right down the memory lane. Every day I went to school church and prayed. I had forgiven them but I wanted my soul to be free. I again wanted to be light. Yesterday’s incident elevated my pain to its highest levels. Nancy ma’am stopped talking and started ignoring me. I wondered how a single incident changed my equation with my most beloved teacher.
Today was the day where my soul was again set back free. No doubt, the day began in the same old manner with my head down but who knew it would not last much. Just after the assembly, I went to church to alleviate my sorrows. I did not know HE would at last listen to my plea. In the class, I got message about Poonam ma’am calling me. She was the one who really knew about my depression and pain. Her first words when I met her on her call were, “you are free” and described all about getting the mobile back and catching up with the real thief. The latter did not matter. I was busy thanking god for what he did. I could see the ruckus going on again in those rooms but did not feel to give any heed. After two months I cried but with tears originated from happiness. I gave her a tight hug for being my god for that moment, for doing something unfavorable for her position just for me. My story did not have a grand climax but it was the need of the hour.
Now I know god is always with me. If he gives me pain, he knows the exact time to return my happiness back. It is just that I need to hold on and have FAITH and HOPE in him.
-RAKSHANDA VYAS
Voice Of Dreams 