Not so girly, yet I dress up myself. Without any occasion or anyone else to see. Just me, my stuff and my mirror. I pamper myself when no one else can. Just to make me feel special.
I know it is kind of weird. People usually try to look nice when they are happy or excited. And loose that excitement when feel low. In lack of that energy and confidence to live life completely and in lack of remembering their uniqueness.
I am a bit reverse. When I am not feeling good I cheer myself up by pampering my body.
Usually, not giving much heed to self pampering or dressing up like a queen or even applying a mascara. I tend to dress up more and more when I need to tell myself that I am an important person too. That I do matter. That I can too look good. That good enough that I can swoon over my own features. That I can see myself in the mirror and tell how beautiful I look.
I start up with a good nail paint. Just painting my nails beautifully with colours, various colours, lively colours. Then some eyeliner to give my eyes that lively shine. I make my hair. Trying different types of hairstyle. A beautiful dress that can compliment my personality. Not much girly but the one that make me feel special. A good pair of shoes are just icing on the cake. And I am ready. Ready to face the world and it’s challenges. With a smile. With lots of confidence. Forgetting all my past mistakes and failures.
And here I go. Beautifully walking with a smile to get what I want in all that grace and confidence.
I am 19 now. I don’t know what my future will be. Everything is uncertain. My heart is at unrest. I am missing my happiness. I am too worried about my life changing exams. Most importantly, nothing gives me solace.
May be this is called growing up. Growing up with an insecurity in your heart. Growing up with a fear of future. Growing up at a place where you can’t share your anxiety with your mom because you are big enough to whine in front of her. To lay your head in her lap and cry till you fall asleep and woke up magically in your bed. It is growing up physically and emotionally. At least others think so. They think I am growing up. They think I am taking my initial steps to become one of them. They say ‘it is called life’. They say the frog has taken a leap from his well.
Deep inside my heart I know exactly opposite is happening. I am taking a step backward to the first day of my life where I only cried. My heart instead of growing up has shrunk. All I think about is me. All I can see is the endless hardships I have to face. Alone. First my feelings for anyone was pure. Even dislike towards one of my classmate was serene. Never my mind said someone could hurt me. Never I liked someone so much cause love was immeasurable. Never I worried so much about my grades. Never I thought what my life would be. All I knew was that I was happy. A hell lot happy than today. I loved attending my school. A place where I had my friends. A place where I played till I was wet from my own sweat. Looking beautiful was all about looking cute. All our gossips were about what happened on a particular show the previous night. Not about someone’s new love interest. Never did it occur to me what my friends would think about my financial status or how does my house look like. I never made an opinion about someone ( except the neighbourhood uncle with a heavy moustache).
Religious books say that you should grow up spiritually. But this isn’t that definitely. In spite of moving towards that ultimate zero, I feel I am loosing my wholeness. Then why do people call it growing up when you are becoming short, excluding the physical stature. Isn’t it the biggest hypocrisy. I know life isn’t easy but heading towards this kind of inner life isn’t the solution too.
May be someday I will truly grow up. Grow up to become what I was destined to.