There was so much to say. So much to feel. So much to share. So much to express. There were so many moments to live. It was so less. So so less. I think I could never be satisfied with time we had. But still there was so much that we could do.
I saw a child today. A child crying. Her grandma just died. A neighbour. Few scenes flashed. Five months back. An unexpected news. Grandma it was your goodbye. I was not ready. I could never be. I still remember I couldn’t stop crying the whole night. When I saw your body. Your eyes were still open. I am still crying. That scene never let me be at peace. I still remember reciting Bhagwat Gita’s shlok, sitting near your feet. Entire night. I didn’t want to leave you for a single second. I didn’t want them to take you away. You were the best. Seven grandchildren. Six grandaughters. No discrimination. When they were taking you away. For the last rites. That was the worst moment of my life. I was watching you go. Leaving me. We all six sisters were crying. Divided by our birth parents. United by your blood and love. We were sobing uncontrollably. That was my first public display of intense human emotions on huge scale. Never cried before so many people. But it didn’t matter. All that matter was you were leaving. And you left. Just left.
I never mentioned your name in front of anyone. I knew it would bring tears to me. And I won’t able to stop. I never displayed any sadness. It’s difficult for me to overcome it. I went out. Partied for last five months. Uploaded pictures on social media. It was my way of forgetting you. Now you don’t come to my thoughts so often. May be because for last few years we weren’t living together in one house, so I never felt your absence on daily basis. But whenever you come to my thoughts it hurts. It hurts too much.
I had such an awesome childhood with you. I remember all your childhood stories you narrated me. The appearance of your dad. Your mom. And even your grandmom. The way you played with your sibling with your favourite frock on. I miss all those fables and stories you told me. Our very own bed time moments. I miss your laugh. I miss your special prayer session on my birthdays. We had a bond. I was the eldest. Your first grandchild. I was supposed to be your favourite. And I was. Our little moments. I miss you. Whenever I see an old lady. Or anything else that could remind me of you, give me this lump in my throat. Can we meet again. Can I talk to you again. Can you stay with me again. I promise I will be better this time. The best grandaughter in the world. I will never disappoint you. But please just come back. I promise you I will take care of all your grandchildren. Will Remember them on their special days as you did. You just come back.
I didn’t do justice with the title. Neither I am an outcast nor abandoned. It’s just my thoughts that make me feel so.
Have you ever felt lonely even in the presence of myriads of people. Even when you have plenty of persons to address as your friends and still lack this one person in your life. I am clearly not stating myself different form others, the one who is so special that doesn’t fit. I don’t intend to. I am unique just the way you are. Equally common. Equally special. The thing which makes me an outcast is the lack of a genuine shoulder to cry on. A listening ear to share something with. A person to laugh my heads off with.
Even though being socially super active, talking to everyone, having fun with friends- kind of girl, there is still a void in my life that has to be filled. Being oversensitive is the trait I want to eliminate in my life. But sometimes I think it’s not my fault. I never got enough pampering. Being the eldest. The most responsible one. People never saw the kid in me who craves for a little care and love. Always keeping people happy, Being there when they are sick, Asking about their problems is a thing I want to do and always will. But sometimes I need to feel that too. And losing the very best friend in my life intensifies the situation. Have no one to tell about how the day went. How I am feeling. How life is going. The void now becomes a giant black hole, where emotions get compressed and lost. No one even knows whether they existed at the first place.
Talking about my endless hobbies and few achievements isn’t about showing off. It’s just a sign that the person listening to me might find a person with same interests and I too might get a companion to spend some time with.
I might not be perfect. I might not be that best friend someone dreamt of. But if someone respects my sensitiveness and is happy to be with me she may find that I have the potential to be a decent friend. A soothing companion.
Being OUTCAST isn’t just about being alienated. It’s about feeling that emptiness which surrounds your life, paying visits now and then when you are already at your breaking point.
Getting into a medical college is a dream come true. But how this dream genuinely turns out to be is a whole different story. And stories are meant to be said and to be heard.
Freshman year can be both tiring and exciting. The day your selection into this profession is announced you already feel like a doctor. With overnight increase in your status in society, life seems to be what you dreamt of. Amongst the celebrations and laughs you forget that the life itself is waiting eagerly to laugh on your situations very soon for a quite large number of years.(I can hear the fierce laughs in the background. Teasing and mocking our helplessness)
Joyously, you start your journey to become a person next to God while going through hell (it’s not hell for sure but dramatising everything is my forte😉). The best part of freshman year is the dissection lab. Where in the first time in your life you see a human. A dead human.(those noble souls who donate their parts so that the other living ones can get a better opportunity to live). You see human in his raw form. It is so exciting for a medical student to cut the skin and gradually move deeper into the body, feeling every bit of it, layer by layer. The yellow fat, those arteries and veins, those nerves and those bones. Those bare bones.
However, a picture with god’s artwork is mandatory for every single student. A thing to be proud of for many generations to come and to show off to your friends in different colleges and to those relatives who were too jealous to be never so happy for your selection in the first place. Not a single soul in our D hall misses this opportunity( I shall not forget to mention how we are restricted to use phones and click pictures inside the dissection hall, but the flashes are too often seen and the shutter voice is more often than not heard- certainly our new found trait of dismissing every single order.). With the strong smell of formalin, we count how many of us embraces the mother earth, nauseating and totally unconscious. With this time our batch giving more male formalin targets, a sense of pride can be seen in every female eyes. That how this misogynistic society has took us wrong and how our journey to prove ourselves has begun.
Day by day with increased instances of people bunking the class, getting punishments, made fun of in front of the whole class and yet laughing on their situation amazes me. I am more sort of teacher fearing girl. Or I must say norms fearing girl. Going according to the rules and too sensitive to handle such things. A single act of sending me out of the class along with other students for launghing too loud in the class, made me sob and sulk for the entire day. I guess I will take some time to adjust but eventually I will get along with this bunking and punishment stuff.
Studying is still the most difficult thing to do. On one hand where our course require us to study every day and mug a very good amount of facts, we still find it difficult to maintain pace with the running course. And today i want to tell the world that we medical students, also use fb and Instagram. Waste ample amount of time showing off our selection by posting those white coats highlighting pictures. And letting our precious time squander.
Still we work harder than any other college students. We study more. Because we are in the noblest profession. Dealing directly with the lives of people. Which makes us more accountable and responsible. That makes us who we are. Starting right from the dissection days to curing live patients.
Home is where we live. Home is where we feel. Home is where we are raw. Home knows our secrets. Home is where we laugh in joy. We cry in sadness. We dance in merriment. We sing to express. And WordPress is my home. The home I missed.
After ten months I am writing again. It feels homely. Those good old days are back. The reason I took break was my studies. It was the much needed break. And here I am now, finally enrolled into a medical college and a doctor in process.
In the days of my struggle WordPress and my WordPress friends were always there. In my previous failures, whenever I wanted to write my heart out, WordPress was there. I cried here. I nagged. I narrated my raw story to everyone. My fellow bloggers always encouraged me. With their experience and worldly knowledge they guided me. I had a great time with them all. And now that era has started again. I feel it’s the beginning of a new story.
So cheers to all of us and for those beautiful days to come.
I feel so choked while writing this. With teary eyes. With shrunken and wrinkled heart I have to. I have to say goodbye. For time being I have to leave behind fb, WhatsApp, WordPress and may be my happiness too.
There are times when life demands sacrifice and we have too fulfill its wish. To gain something. To learn something. Or just a mere sacrifice for the sake of nothing.
As I am continuously performing bad and just can’t handle the way I am taking things. I need to think what I want. What I need. As the times are going a bit tough. It becomes harder for me to understand life and its rules. With degrading grades, relationship losses, people moving out of life and a heart filled with loneliness, I say goodbye. A bye for the sake of my wellness. A bye with a hope that the next time when I writeI am happier, more successful and at peace. I will miss my blog. I will miss my readers. I will miss WordPress.
Thank you so much for being there when I needed you the most. Thank you for those inspiring and concerned comments. Thank you for encouraging me always to write more and more. Thank you all my fellow bloggers. You all have a very special place in my heart. Take care.
Let the journey to sunshine begin.
Not so girly, yet I dress up myself. Without any occasion or anyone else to see. Just me, my stuff and my mirror. I pamper myself when no one else can. Just to make me feel special.
I know it is kind of weird. People usually try to look nice when they are happy or excited. And loose that excitement when feel low. In lack of that energy and confidence to live life completely and in lack of remembering their uniqueness.
I am a bit reverse. When I am not feeling good I cheer myself up by pampering my body.
Usually, not giving much heed to self pampering or dressing up like a queen or even applying a mascara. I tend to dress up more and more when I need to tell myself that I am an important person too. That I do matter. That I can too look good. That good enough that I can swoon over my own features. That I can see myself in the mirror and tell how beautiful I look.
I start up with a good nail paint. Just painting my nails beautifully with colours, various colours, lively colours. Then some eyeliner to give my eyes that lively shine. I make my hair. Trying different types of hairstyle. A beautiful dress that can compliment my personality. Not much girly but the one that make me feel special. A good pair of shoes are just icing on the cake. And I am ready. Ready to face the world and it’s challenges. With a smile. With lots of confidence. Forgetting all my past mistakes and failures.
And here I go. Beautifully walking with a smile to get what I want in all that grace and confidence.
You are a human. You need humans. Humans full of empathy. If not humans, a single human will also do. Just one of them.
The one who is there for you.
The one who knows that just a few words can heel you.
The one who knows you.
The one with whom you can share your happiness, your pain, your success, your failure.
The one who can bring smile on your face.
The one who respect the way you are.
The one who wants to be with you.
The one who will never leave your side. No matter what.
The one who despite of all the misunderstandings and fights, believe in your relationship.
The one with the human touch.
I thought I was special for you. Every thing you said. Those little deeds. Our little fights. I thought all those things were just meant for me. I was so happy to find you because i always believed in a sacred relationship like this. I always dreamt of that. I never wanted anything in return. Just a recognition of my true love.
At the beginning, I never thought you will reciprocate whatever I did. But it happened. I was so happy. I was in heaven. Our relationship had no name. I was happy. I knew this was true love, it doesn’t need any name. I just loved you the way you are. In the most pure way. You were my soulmate. First a single soul which divided in the course of time. Those souls which are present with you in your every life, As a sister, father, spouse, grandparents, lover, best friend. And in this life you were in a total new relationship. I thought it will continue forever but it ended too soon. And the way it ended broke me to the core.
When I saw you with someone else. Sharing those same moments. Saying those same words. I felt like cheated. My trust just got a major setback. It Made me cry my soul out loud. This pain in the chest is unbearable. You should never have told me that I was special to you. You were wrong when you made me feel so happy. Because now it hurts a lot more than that. I told you the very first time that I my feelings for you will remain the same throughout my lifetime, no matter what you think about me. You made me feel different. I was so happy. But now when I know I am not the only one, my tears don’t stop rolling down.
I became so dependent on you and now I am getting the punishment. I know I am no one to you but it hurts. My feelings for you are still rock hard. I hate this. Why do I have to love you so much. I know it’s not a crush or a mere physical attraction. Because I always loved your soul. It vibrated with me.
The problem is, you never told that I was that special to you. You were just there for me. You made me feel special. And I was the one who thought that yeah! I am as special to you as you are to me. But this can never happen.
I am broke to the core. I need some rest. I need some peace.
I have always loved you. I loved that smell of a new chapter, a new concept. Every question solved gave a feel good feeling. Every theory proved, had its own sense of achievement. Every new article written made me feel like Shakespeare. Every new story gave me a whole new world experience. Every new reaction done was a new mystery solved. I always loved your company. I really did. But now when I need to concentrate more, why are you drifting away.
I need you dear. Need you badly. But why are you constantly loosing war from my mobile. Why fb, WhatsApp and Instagram are overpowering you. Why is my emotional side has become your new found enemy. Why every little thing makes you go away from me. I need you dear. Need you badly.
I again want that passion back. I again want to smell those new chapters. I want to play with you. I want to spend time together. You are my best companion. My best love. Come back to me. I request. Please. Don’t be so merciless. I am waiting. And always will. Till you again let me touch you. Feel you. And explore you.
When your best friend finds a new best friend and you feel like a potato. When the person you thought will always have time for you, apparently doesn’t. And the lack of pouring out your feelings make you sick. You realize the meekness of your flesh and blood. Your human nature.
Always being an extrovert I had too many friends but a few to call the special ones. Even relationship with parents was more sort of respect rather than of openness. In initial years of my life I had my school(the good old happy school). Never thought that loneliness will ever touch me. Being hyperactive, participating in every activities, excelling in studies, Everything was just perfect. Simply perfect. But then it all got over. I graduated from school. Life of competitive exams commenced and my life as a LONE WOLF started. There was no school to make me happy. So I got emotionally dependent on few people (my parents not being a part of that group). The ones who will always will be special to me but the vice versa in ambiguity.
Going through severe ups and downs this LONE WOLF became stronger and stronger yet weaker and weaker. Those special ones still exists in my life but at some other end. I still crave for their company and again the vice versa in ambiguity. When the lows continue for a bit longer their name still pop up first. I pick up my phone. Dial their number or try to text. But my decreasing importance in their lives make me rethink. Although, I give them full right over me yet my right over them is still a mystery. I can never blame them for my own sadness nor can I leave them. I can just wait. Or just give this LONE WOLF a more lonely diet. Never thought people can also give withdrawal symptoms. These hilarious situations in my life may never end but someday I surely will. And I hope that till that day I Learn to not to be a potato.
This LONE WOLF has learnt how to not manifest its pain but never learnt to learn how to alleviate the pain that this pain gives.