Getting into a medical college is a dream come true. But how this dream genuinely turns out to be is a whole different story. And stories are meant to be said and to be heard.
Freshman year can be both tiring and exciting. The day your selection into this profession is announced you already feel like a doctor. With overnight increase in your status in society, life seems to be what you dreamt of. Amongst the celebrations and laughs you forget that the life itself is waiting eagerly to laugh on your situations very soon for a quite large number of years.(I can hear the fierce laughs in the background. Teasing and mocking our helplessness)
Joyously, you start your journey to become a person next to God while going through hell (it’s not hell for sure but dramatising everything is my forte😉). The best part of freshman year is the dissection lab. Where in the first time in your life you see a human. A dead human.(those noble souls who donate their parts so that the other living ones can get a better opportunity to live). You see human in his raw form. It is so exciting for a medical student to cut the skin and gradually move deeper into the body, feeling every bit of it, layer by layer. The yellow fat, those arteries and veins, those nerves and those bones. Those bare bones.
However, a picture with god’s artwork is mandatory for every single student. A thing to be proud of for many generations to come and to show off to your friends in different colleges and to those relatives who were too jealous to be never so happy for your selection in the first place. Not a single soul in our D hall misses this opportunity( I shall not forget to mention how we are restricted to use phones and click pictures inside the dissection hall, but the flashes are too often seen and the shutter voice is more often than not heard- certainly our new found trait of dismissing every single order.). With the strong smell of formalin, we count how many of us embraces the mother earth, nauseating and totally unconscious. With this time our batch giving more male formalin targets, a sense of pride can be seen in every female eyes. That how this misogynistic society has took us wrong and how our journey to prove ourselves has begun.
Day by day with increased instances of people bunking the class, getting punishments, made fun of in front of the whole class and yet laughing on their situation amazes me. I am more sort of teacher fearing girl. Or I must say norms fearing girl. Going according to the rules and too sensitive to handle such things. A single act of sending me out of the class along with other students for launghing too loud in the class, made me sob and sulk for the entire day. I guess I will take some time to adjust but eventually I will get along with this bunking and punishment stuff.
Studying is still the most difficult thing to do. On one hand where our course require us to study every day and mug a very good amount of facts, we still find it difficult to maintain pace with the running course. And today i want to tell the world that we medical students, also use fb and Instagram. Waste ample amount of time showing off our selection by posting those white coats highlighting pictures. And letting our precious time squander.
Still we work harder than any other college students. We study more. Because we are in the noblest profession. Dealing directly with the lives of people. Which makes us more accountable and responsible. That makes us who we are. Starting right from the dissection days to curing live patients.
I thought I was special for you. Every thing you said. Those little deeds. Our little fights. I thought all those things were just meant for me. I was so happy to find you because i always believed in a sacred relationship like this. I always dreamt of that. I never wanted anything in return. Just a recognition of my true love.
At the beginning, I never thought you will reciprocate whatever I did. But it happened. I was so happy. I was in heaven. Our relationship had no name. I was happy. I knew this was true love, it doesn’t need any name. I just loved you the way you are. In the most pure way. You were my soulmate. First a single soul which divided in the course of time. Those souls which are present with you in your every life, As a sister, father, spouse, grandparents, lover, best friend. And in this life you were in a total new relationship. I thought it will continue forever but it ended too soon. And the way it ended broke me to the core.
When I saw you with someone else. Sharing those same moments. Saying those same words. I felt like cheated. My trust just got a major setback. It Made me cry my soul out loud. This pain in the chest is unbearable. You should never have told me that I was special to you. You were wrong when you made me feel so happy. Because now it hurts a lot more than that. I told you the very first time that I my feelings for you will remain the same throughout my lifetime, no matter what you think about me. You made me feel different. I was so happy. But now when I know I am not the only one, my tears don’t stop rolling down.
I became so dependent on you and now I am getting the punishment. I know I am no one to you but it hurts. My feelings for you are still rock hard. I hate this. Why do I have to love you so much. I know it’s not a crush or a mere physical attraction. Because I always loved your soul. It vibrated with me.
The problem is, you never told that I was that special to you. You were just there for me. You made me feel special. And I was the one who thought that yeah! I am as special to you as you are to me. But this can never happen.
I am broke to the core. I need some rest. I need some peace.
When your best friend finds a new best friend and you feel like a potato. When the person you thought will always have time for you, apparently doesn’t. And the lack of pouring out your feelings make you sick. You realize the meekness of your flesh and blood. Your human nature.
Always being an extrovert I had too many friends but a few to call the special ones. Even relationship with parents was more sort of respect rather than of openness. In initial years of my life I had my school(the good old happy school). Never thought that loneliness will ever touch me. Being hyperactive, participating in every activities, excelling in studies, Everything was just perfect. Simply perfect. But then it all got over. I graduated from school. Life of competitive exams commenced and my life as a LONE WOLF started. There was no school to make me happy. So I got emotionally dependent on few people (my parents not being a part of that group). The ones who will always will be special to me but the vice versa in ambiguity.
Going through severe ups and downs this LONE WOLF became stronger and stronger yet weaker and weaker. Those special ones still exists in my life but at some other end. I still crave for their company and again the vice versa in ambiguity. When the lows continue for a bit longer their name still pop up first. I pick up my phone. Dial their number or try to text. But my decreasing importance in their lives make me rethink. Although, I give them full right over me yet my right over them is still a mystery. I can never blame them for my own sadness nor can I leave them. I can just wait. Or just give this LONE WOLF a more lonely diet. Never thought people can also give withdrawal symptoms. These hilarious situations in my life may never end but someday I surely will. And I hope that till that day I Learn to not to be a potato.
This LONE WOLF has learnt how to not manifest its pain but never learnt to learn how to alleviate the pain that this pain gives.
Overwhelmed by my emotions I find it difficult to write today. After so many years being together I guess you must be knowing how I feel. Yet I need to pen it down. I need to tell you how I feel. I need to alleviate my pain cause no one else will ever know what I am going through.
When I woke up today there was an uncanny pain in my stomach. I knew the reason. My RESULT. I felt like I will vomit out in no time. Still I put the brave face on and greeted Nani(grandma) good morning (you know I am staying at her house for few weeks). The next thing I did was to check that horrifying site. Nothing. Blank. No results. It was nani’s clothes washing day and we started our task. At 11:40am I got a message that our result was announced. I felt sick. A roar in my stomach was so loud. Thank God I was at a appreciable distance form any living being except that wall lizard. I continued my task. After 30 min I tried to see my result. My 2g pack betrayed me. Site didn’t open. My anxiety grew more and more. My friend called. I was pathetic. I didn’t even asked about her and just started telling how I couldn’t open the site. She said she didn’t make it. I felt sorry. I Said everything will be fine and continued with my whining. Sorry but I was agitated. She told me that I will need my roll number. It dawned upon me that I didn’t remember it except the registration number. I was sweating. Then another friend called. The same thing happened but now I asked her to open my account to retrieve my roll number. Such an angel she is despite her loss she tried it for me. I thought to go home and find my roll number. The mistake number 2. I forgot the keys. Calls keep coming. I said the same old answer again and again. I was behaving hysteric. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying too hard to get to the site. I used my uncle’s 3g data. It too disappointed. Atlast when I got into my account it refused to tell my roll number. Now I had no option left except waiting for my sister to came home from school. Calls keep coming. I answered the same. I was feeling pathetic. I thought to take bath but my clothes were all wet due to yesterday’s rain. What a day it was.
After sometime I got ready. Unwillingly ate my favourite food. Today it didn’t have that regular taste. That magic. At 2:15 when I saw my result I was a bit happy cause I scored 10 marks more that in thought. It vanished after a few moments. I called my sir. He knew my marks.( I could have asked him before😒). My rank was very low. This year cut off was high. That pain grew. Now with greater intensity. This lump was like a strange one. I started crying at that moment. He said my chances are less. I felt a Dr. was telling. I was on a dead bed. It was hard to understand what was going on. He again asked whether I will drop again. Words. These words can’t be more painful. I failed. I still have chance. But my high rank dream was in trash.
I kept crying. Calls kept coming. After 1 hour I went back to nani’s house. Within 5 min I took my keys. Told Nani I was going on a ride. Took my scooty. I was driving. Crying. Driving. Crying. Driving. Passed my tuition. Reached near my best friend’s house and called her. We both had failed. I told her to come with me. She denied. I reached her home. She was lying on the bed. Expression less. It was funny. I didn’t have any emotions left. We talked. Talked. Talked. My eyes were burning. They were tired. They cried a lot. We went out. Drove a long way. Reached a restaurant. Told each other that how if anyone of us would have passed we might have ended sobbing alone. We laughed. We laughed our way loud. We both knew we always wanted something else. Still the feeling of failure is unbearable. We took selfies. Again felt happy that atleast we were together. Human nature never cease to amaze me.
I reached nani’s home. Still call kept coming. I answered all. My inbox was full of messages. Everyone wanted to talk. I wanted rest. Still I answered. I didn’t need their sorries. Just peace. Silence. No one understood.
Just now answered one more call and now my battery is dead. I guess I won’t be able to answer more. I am sure. I wish you were real. I wish I could hug you. I wish this day never came. My head. My body. My soul want a soothing touch. And I guess sleep will do.
Good night diary.
Your failure friend,