Dear diary(17 Aug 2015)

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My Diary

Overwhelmed by my emotions I find it difficult to write today. After so many years being together I guess you must be knowing how I feel. Yet I need to pen it down. I need to tell you how I feel. I need to alleviate my pain cause no one else will ever know what I am going through.
When I woke up today there was an uncanny pain in my stomach. I knew the reason. My RESULT. I felt like I will vomit out in no time. Still I put the brave face on and greeted Nani(grandma) good morning (you know I am staying at her house for few weeks). The next thing I did was to check that horrifying site. Nothing. Blank. No results. It was nani’s clothes washing day and we started our task. At 11:40am I got a message that our result was announced. I felt sick. A roar in my stomach was so loud. Thank God I was at a appreciable distance form any living being except that wall lizard. I continued my task. After 30 min I tried to see my result. My 2g pack betrayed me. Site didn’t open. My anxiety grew more and more. My friend called. I was pathetic. I didn’t even asked about her and just started telling how I couldn’t open the site. She said she didn’t make it. I felt sorry. I Said everything will be fine and continued with my whining. Sorry but I was agitated. She told me that I will need my roll number. It dawned upon me that I didn’t remember it except the registration number. I was sweating. Then another friend called. The same thing happened but now I asked her to open my account to retrieve my roll number. Such an angel she is despite her loss she tried it for me. I thought to go home and find my roll number. The mistake number 2. I forgot the keys. Calls keep coming. I said the same old answer again and again. I was behaving hysteric. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying too hard to get to the site. I used my uncle’s 3g data. It too disappointed. Atlast when I got into my account it refused to tell my roll number. Now I had no option left except waiting for my sister to came home from school. Calls keep coming. I answered the same. I was feeling pathetic. I thought to take bath but my clothes were all wet due to yesterday’s rain. What a day it was.
After sometime I got ready. Unwillingly ate my favourite food. Today it didn’t have that regular taste. That magic. At 2:15 when I saw my result I was a bit happy cause I scored 10 marks more that in thought. It vanished after a few moments. I called my sir. He knew my marks.( I could have asked him before😒). My rank was very low. This year cut off was high. That pain grew. Now with greater intensity. This lump was like a strange one. I started crying at that moment. He said my chances are less. I felt a Dr. was telling. I was on a dead bed. It was hard to understand what was going on. He again asked whether I will drop again. Words. These words can’t be more painful. I failed. I still have chance. But my high rank dream was in trash.
I kept crying. Calls kept coming. After 1 hour I went back to nani’s house. Within 5 min I took my keys. Told Nani I was going on a ride. Took my scooty. I was driving. Crying. Driving. Crying. Driving. Passed my tuition. Reached near my best friend’s house and called her. We both had failed. I told her to come with me. She denied. I reached her home. She was lying on the bed. Expression less. It was funny. I didn’t have any emotions left. We talked. Talked. Talked. My eyes were burning. They were tired. They cried a lot. We went out. Drove a long way. Reached a restaurant. Told each other that how if anyone of us would have passed we might have ended sobbing alone. We laughed. We laughed our way loud. We both knew we always wanted something else. Still the feeling of failure is unbearable. We took selfies. Again felt happy that atleast we were together. Human nature never cease to amaze me.
I reached nani’s home. Still call kept coming. I answered all. My inbox was full of messages. Everyone wanted to talk. I wanted rest. Still I answered. I didn’t need their sorries. Just peace. Silence. No one understood.
Just now answered one more call and now my battery is dead. I guess I won’t be able to answer more. I am sure. I wish you were real. I wish I could hug you. I wish this day never came. My head. My body. My soul want a soothing touch. And I guess sleep will do.
Good night diary.
Your failure friend,
R

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34 thoughts on “Dear diary(17 Aug 2015)

  1. You know, Vyas, if you sign off calling yourself “failure friend” then you are indeed a failure. This might sound unkind to you, but it is true. Grit your teeth and think clearly, sort out the options, your target ahead and what you could possibly do. I know it is probably a bad time to do so, but let me also tell you that desperation is also a very creative teacher. When you are cornered, fight. I cannot possibly be your Chanakya, but if I were, I would tell you exactly this – fight back. Be very clear in your mind what options you have, whether you are willing to wait another year or pursue something else altogether. I might sound very unkind right now. But you will always have disappointments in life if you do not toughen up. I am not trying to be rough on you, nor sontrarily would I really be pretentious and wail about how sorry I am for the situation.
    I am quite certain that you have a good future. I am absolutely sure that you will succeed in whatever you do. Do not limit yourself to one thought, one direction or one dream. You can be anything you want to be, provided you want it enough. Laugh at the setbacks, be humble at your achievements. Kick life around, do not pity yourself, nor be beholden to fate/destiny. I can feel your loss completely, but I will not shed tears with you or for you. I am sorry that I sound like a bully, but stand up to me too, if that is what you wish. Lash out at me in reply if you need to. (I used to shoot a row of bottles in my school days just to get over whatever frustrations I had, but that was pointless too. Instead, raging at things for a while, within yourself and deciding firmly that you will not take it lying down will be a much more cathartic experience than anything else).
    Hey, sorry for the long, harsh comment ๐Ÿ™‚ especially since I have just met you. But, Vyas, not the end of the world. Maybe the universe has better plans for you, and I certainly think so. You are smart, intelligent, diligent – so go get it, whatever it is that you need. Drag it out of nothing and make it your own – in whichever field you choose.

    (Umm.. too much?? too harsh? Sowwee ๐Ÿ™‚ Forgive me if you are upset with this)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You were not at all harsh tejasvi. Every word you said was no less than truth. I wrote it days back on that very day. I was sad. But now I am more than fine. I m ready to fight back. I know something better is waiting for me.
      Thank you for telling that I can also do something big. And you were not harsh. Believe me. And I am not unhappy with u. I just needed to write down what I felt.
      Thank you for reading๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, thank goodness!! ๐Ÿ˜€ After I posted that, I was wondering if I had gone too far. Thank you for being kind ๐Ÿ™‚
        So, are you going to try next year or do something completely different?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am thinking about it. I still have chance. The problem is I don’t k ow yet whether I want to do this or not. I want to be a scientist but I didn’t take maths. So in few days I will go to a counsellor and decide. Still I am hoping I get a medical college.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. If you are interested in biology there are allied fields that could possibly be just the things you need. For example, Microbiology, Biochemistry, Physiotherapy and Nursing sciences and a lot of others for which you don’t really need Maths.
        On the other hand, if you are looking to go to ISRO, then you would need Physics and Maths.. or IISc for that matter. There is also Food Technology (but I assure you, a hundred times tougher to get in than the AIPMT) or there is something which is really rare, Fisheries Sciences (And oh, the only university in India that offers that is over here, close to my place hahaha… and trust me, it is also very difficult to get into). But like I said, lots of options and none of them any less than MBBS… and do you want to know the truth? MBBS is not always the best branch. (And I am not saying it because “grapes are sour”, but because all my life I had friends who were doctors and medical students.. and trust me, it is not a bed of roses, both in the student days or afterwards).
        I hope you choose wisely and I know for sure that you shall succeed. You deserve it ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I love nuclear physics and for that I need maths. I know it tough but I will be happy. Still I need to get an advice. Surely it not path of roses. Nothing is. But I need my whole heart into it. Just pray for the best

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Hmm, I love maths, so I cannot tell you that it would be easy for you. I know that lot of people find it difficult and probably hate it. However, the good thing is, nuclear physics is a PG subject and your undergrad course would not be all that complex. I mean, yes, Maths will still be tough, but Nuclear physics is not pure maths at all. So even if you manage to get through your undergrad degree with decent marks, not at the top of the rank lists, it will still not exclude you from Nuclear physics. I hope you get good advice from those counsellors.

        Like

      6. Oh, trust me, whenever I am myself, I end up in trouble because I always say the wrong things and end up hurting someone or the other or upsetting a whole lot of people, hahaha..
        But like I said, very kind of you.. thank you

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Though you have told the readers to not sympathize in a previous post, I can do no more than feeling sorry for you. Trust me rox, by sensing the amount you would have put up, this can only be considered as a misfortune. You’re being tested and I know you are gutsy. You will be rocking it one day. Forget this day very quickly for it will only worsen your mindset.

    Chin up,ย stick it out, better times will come.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Few weeks back I had gone through the same situation.I failed for the first time and that too only from 9 marks I couldn’t make it to the IPCC.I ended up writing a poem on my Failure.

    Sleeping with closed eyes,
    Wearing a nice smile on lips.
    A glance at me will make all think
    That I am happy,
    But donโ€™t judge its book by cover.
    I see my mates flying far away,
    Leaving me behind
    And back then I said that Iโ€™ll also shine.
    So is that chapter over?
    Iโ€™m FAIL for the first time.
    But thatโ€™s not my Fate.
    Iโ€™ll nail my each & every bit of adept,
    To show โ€™em my life havenโ€™t yet END.
    Pass or Fail doesnโ€™t decide your destiny,
    But choice of a correct path
    with exaggerated zeal and zest surely does.
    I assert my situation in precisely warm way,
    Not to gain sympathy
    But to gain a positive endeavour to thrive.
    https://laconicme.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/i-experienced-failure/

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh vyas!

    I don’t think I have ever told you that things turn out better at the end. They will, and considering you mentioned this is not what you really wanted to do I’ll tell you to chase what you want to do.

    Fail again but don’t stop trying. Life’s too bloody long for one failure to stop you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, I’m feeling so good after reading a chapter from your diary. Thank for sharing.
    This almost happens with all the teenagers, but as soon as we grow up, we understand the meaning of everything. It becomes easy for us to hustle for success.
    I hope you’re doing great now Rakshanda. โ˜บโ˜บ

    Liked by 1 person

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