I am a terrible doer. I make horrible mistakes, catastrophic ones. The worst part isn’t making those mistakes but is their realisation, the after guilt and the fear of the outcome rather than the outcome itself. The moment I realise I did something wrong, the mini depression knocks my door. My heart beat swings between highs and lows. Suddenly my head aches. I just feel I am at Marina Trench. When I find out that all of it started because of my carelessness or my negligence and the entire blame is on me, that I am the wholely responsible one. The feeling makes my heart ache as if it’s gonna burst in pieces and the last thing I own will too go away.
When my mistakes solely hurts me, it is still bearable. The mistakes which affects those about whom I care the most, are the worst ones. The guilt is at the zenith. I cry. And I cry. Again I cry till my eyes give up, shuts down, my mind slows down and my sleep cum hangover of the excessive crying makes me forget everything. I don’t remember what happen in those hours but I need them. I do. Waking up, I am clueless about what happened. After few seconds everything flows back to my mind like a river with it’s full zeal and I just flow back to where I started. The pain returns. All those thoughts replay. Again. Again. And again. I am drenched in the water of my guilt, waiting for those sun rays to evaporate my sadness but the clouds surrounding my heart never let it happen. I wish I could run away. Run away from the reality. It is much more easy rather than facing it. But it isn’t how it works. And I carry on heavyhearted.
I want to say sorry. To me. To those whom I have hurt. Whom I have let down. I know I make many mistakes. Again. Again. And again. I know I repeat them. But when I say sorry. I am. Even if I say it again. Again. And again. If my mistakes hurt someone, believe me it hurts me ten times more. I cannot reassure you about no reoccurrence. But I can, about my intentions to stop them.
You may not forgive me. I’ll not ask to.
You may think it’s all my fault. I’ll take the blame. But never think I do it intentionally. I would never. I know there’s no sorry for my mistakes but I have to say it. It depends on you to forgive me or not. I make mistakes but I am really sorry when I say it.