Dear diary(17 Aug 2015)

My Diary

Overwhelmed by my emotions I find it difficult to write today. After so many years being together I guess you must be knowing how I feel. Yet I need to pen it down. I need to tell you how I feel. I need to alleviate my pain cause no one else will ever know what I am going through.
When I woke up today there was an uncanny pain in my stomach. I knew the reason. My RESULT. I felt like I will vomit out in no time. Still I put the brave face on and greeted Nani(grandma) good morning (you know I am staying at her house for few weeks). The next thing I did was to check that horrifying site. Nothing. Blank. No results. It was nani’s clothes washing day and we started our task. At 11:40am I got a message that our result was announced. I felt sick. A roar in my stomach was so loud. Thank God I was at a appreciable distance form any living being except that wall lizard. I continued my task. After 30 min I tried to see my result. My 2g pack betrayed me. Site didn’t open. My anxiety grew more and more. My friend called. I was pathetic. I didn’t even asked about her and just started telling how I couldn’t open the site. She said she didn’t make it. I felt sorry. I Said everything will be fine and continued with my whining. Sorry but I was agitated. She told me that I will need my roll number. It dawned upon me that I didn’t remember it except the registration number. I was sweating. Then another friend called. The same thing happened but now I asked her to open my account to retrieve my roll number. Such an angel she is despite her loss she tried it for me. I thought to go home and find my roll number. The mistake number 2. I forgot the keys. Calls keep coming. I said the same old answer again and again. I was behaving hysteric. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying too hard to get to the site. I used my uncle’s 3g data. It too disappointed. Atlast when I got into my account it refused to tell my roll number. Now I had no option left except waiting for my sister to came home from school. Calls keep coming. I answered the same. I was feeling pathetic. I thought to take bath but my clothes were all wet due to yesterday’s rain. What a day it was.
After sometime I got ready. Unwillingly ate my favourite food. Today it didn’t have that regular taste. That magic. At 2:15 when I saw my result I was a bit happy cause I scored 10 marks more that in thought. It vanished after a few moments. I called my sir. He knew my marks.( I could have asked him before😒). My rank was very low. This year cut off was high. That pain grew. Now with greater intensity. This lump was like a strange one. I started crying at that moment. He said my chances are less. I felt a Dr. was telling. I was on a dead bed. It was hard to understand what was going on. He again asked whether I will drop again. Words. These words can’t be more painful. I failed. I still have chance. But my high rank dream was in trash.
I kept crying. Calls kept coming. After 1 hour I went back to nani’s house. Within 5 min I took my keys. Told Nani I was going on a ride. Took my scooty. I was driving. Crying. Driving. Crying. Driving. Passed my tuition. Reached near my best friend’s house and called her. We both had failed. I told her to come with me. She denied. I reached her home. She was lying on the bed. Expression less. It was funny. I didn’t have any emotions left. We talked. Talked. Talked. My eyes were burning. They were tired. They cried a lot. We went out. Drove a long way. Reached a restaurant. Told each other that how if anyone of us would have passed we might have ended sobbing alone. We laughed. We laughed our way loud. We both knew we always wanted something else. Still the feeling of failure is unbearable. We took selfies. Again felt happy that atleast we were together. Human nature never cease to amaze me.
I reached nani’s home. Still call kept coming. I answered all. My inbox was full of messages. Everyone wanted to talk. I wanted rest. Still I answered. I didn’t need their sorries. Just peace. Silence. No one understood.
Just now answered one more call and now my battery is dead. I guess I won’t be able to answer more. I am sure. I wish you were real. I wish I could hug you. I wish this day never came. My head. My body. My soul want a soothing touch. And I guess sleep will do.
Good night diary.
Your failure friend,
R