I am 19 now. I don’t know what my future will be. Everything is uncertain. My heart is at unrest. I am missing my happiness. I am too worried about my life changing exams. Most importantly, nothing gives me solace.
May be this is called growing up. Growing up with an insecurity in your heart. Growing up with a fear of future. Growing up at a place where you can’t share your anxiety with your mom because you are big enough to whine in front of her. To lay your head in her lap and cry till you fall asleep and woke up magically in your bed. It is growing up physically and emotionally. At least others think so. They think I am growing up. They think I am taking my initial steps to become one of them. They say ‘it is called life’. They say the frog has taken a leap from his well.
Deep inside my heart I know exactly opposite is happening. I am taking a step backward to the first day of my life where I only cried. My heart instead of growing up has shrunk. All I think about is me. All I can see is the endless hardships I have to face. Alone. First my feelings for anyone was pure. Even dislike towards one of my classmate was serene. Never my mind said someone could hurt me. Never I liked someone so much cause love was immeasurable. Never I worried so much about my grades. Never I thought what my life would be. All I knew was that I was happy. A hell lot happy than today. I loved attending my school. A place where I had my friends. A place where I played till I was wet from my own sweat. Looking beautiful was all about looking cute. All our gossips were about what happened on a particular show the previous night. Not about someone’s new love interest. Never did it occur to me what my friends would think about my financial status or how does my house look like. I never made an opinion about someone ( except the neighbourhood uncle with a heavy moustache).
Religious books say that you should grow up spiritually. But this isn’t that definitely. In spite of moving towards that ultimate zero, I feel I am loosing my wholeness. Then why do people call it growing up when you are becoming short, excluding the physical stature. Isn’t it the biggest hypocrisy. I know life isn’t easy but heading towards this kind of inner life isn’t the solution too.
May be someday I will truly grow up. Grow up to become what I was destined to.