My First Big Failure

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Today I got my result. I failed. First time in forever, I failed. It was an entrance test. Around 600,000 gave it and 700 will get selected. I am not among them.
After passing all your exams with good grades it becomes very difficult to accept that you failed. Same is happening with me. Believe it or not it is way more difficult to even type what I feel.I was alone at home when I got my result. My hands wereΒ  shivering. Tears were already on my cheeks. I wanted it so badly, that even the thought of loosing it, made me a nervous wreck. I typed my name in the list of qualified students. NO RESULTS FOUND. Now I was crying at the top of my voice. I again typed my name. NO RESULTS FOUND. That lump in my throat transformed into painful screams. By now my eyes were as red as hell. My pillow was wet. I couldn’t breathe. No one was there toΒ  tell me that it’s all part of the game and it’s OK to loose. I was all by myself. I could see my parent’s faces. They won’t say a word but the sadness on their face was my worst fears. I could see my favourite teacher’s face. Although he said, no matter what, he will be with me, but that sense ofΒ  disappointment in his eyes catalysed my weeping. It became more and more difficult to bear. For half n hour I cried continuously. At top of my voice but muffling it with my pillow so that my neighbours can’t hear my shrieky not so pleasant to hear voice. My friends were calling. WhatsApp flooded with messages. My parents were unaware about all this and I lacked those guts to tell the truth that their daughter is a Failure. All I did was cry.
I was busy doing my lamenting job when the door bell rang. As I was all alone I had to see who was there. It was my neighbour who came to ask something. She noticed my red burning eyes. Out of concern she asked what was the matter. But I, overwhelmed with my emotions, could say only four words ‘ I am not well’ . Respecting my privacy she just left.
That moment made me realise that in no way on this earth I want to present myself like this. I didn’t want people to learn that I was weak and feeble. I went to the bathroom. Washed my face. Combed my hair properly. Drank some water and adjusted my voice to the normal one. The first thing I did was to call my parents. As expected they said it was all OK. I received my friend’s call and made myself sound like everything was well and even told her not to loose faith and that we both deserve even better than this. Meanwhile another friend called and the same conversation carried on. I checked my WhatsApp. I again checked the entire list and found one of my friend got selected with a very good rank. With great courage i opened my fb account. Posted a congratulations message on his wall. Probably I was the first one to congratulate him. No matter what I got, I was happy for him because at least there was one person who was successful to make my teachers happy. I posted another picture making a good laugh of my failure. I didn’t want anyone to sympathise towards me. I could listen to their taunts but not their sympathetic words. I wanted to show the world I am strong enough to handle the pain. It is more painful to hide your pain rather than the pain itself. I even put a brave front in front of my teacher telling him that I am ready for my next exam and this failure won’t affect me. You too know it’s not true but I need to pretend.
Everyone thinks I am all well, I will survive. No doubt, I will. But the pain of the first failure won’t leave soon. I don’t know the tenure but it’s for sure the more it will break me, the more I will become strong. Because I am strong to get through this. One day I will look back and say ‘ all happened for a reason, I am happy it did happen’. May be this is god’s way to make me more humble. I got it god. I will keep moving.

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30 thoughts on “My First Big Failure

  1. Hey !! I don’t want to console you. But just let you know, just day before yesterday got result of one of the exams I gave – UGC NET. I failed in it . So did my best friend. He had prepared too hard and I had hardly studied. I felt bad for him rather than for me. And you know what ? I was university Gold Medalist in my under grads. All India 13th j CA final. Just want to let you know, we all HAVE to encounter failures in life. Be strong. You will get through πŸ™‚ prayers with u

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks himali. Thank you for your words. I know one day I will have to face it but I guess I have right to be sad temporarily because it is my first big Failure. I will definitely get through it. Thanks once again. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It isnt a failure, it is only a failure when you give up and dont try again. This is only your first step towards a brighter future and there will be more hurdles in the path which you will have to overcome. Just be strong to accept the failure and look beyond it and take the positve from it and work on it from a different perspective next time. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh God!I am so sorry,Rox!I know you must have heard it numerous times already and you don’t want sympathetic words,but I am saying this, anyway.
    People tell you all the time that whatever happens,happens for a reason.I know it’s hard to accept that right now,but it’s true,trust me.
    And I know you’re gonna be just fine. Better than fine actually.You know why?Because you’re strong. And you have so many people who would pray for you here on WP.:)
    Stay strong,sweetie!I will pray for you.
    Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Your words were really soothing. It is hard but I will get through this. I will. And yes you are right I am strong. Thank you once again for your words. It really does matter. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi R! I can totally relate with you as I am facing the same situation… No matter how hard we try to put it behind us, our failure sneak in behind us and taunt our newly found hope and makes it more difficult to move forward. But this has to pass and the sun has to definitely have to shine out brighter for us!
    -S

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right S. Someday the sun will shine. I am eagerly waiting for that moment. It is difficult to move forward but we have to because it is the way it works. Let’s hope for our better future. Cheers!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Cry as much as you can curse as much as you want …..be sad be alone be silly be stupid… One fine day when u have had ur fill of self pity just sit back analyze the situation and see to it that you won’t let that happen again πŸ˜€ (anyways we were all born geniuses education ruined us πŸ˜‰) Btw I flunked 1st in my 11th grade physics paper and we all friends were celebrating (being a bit of besharam helps u can try that also if u want to )

    Liked by 1 person

  6. There is an old Talat song that I was reminded of, reading your words – Hain sabse madhur woh geet jinhe hum dard ke sur mein gaatey hain…
    (probably directly derived from Shelley – We look before and after
    And pine for what is not
    Our sincerest laughter
    With some pain is fraught
    Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought).

    You are brave and stoic, and being that I promise you, you will never lose, ever. Good luck! and Cheer up… πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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