Finally I did break

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Throughout the day I kept the mask on. Smiled while I cried loudly inside. Not even my shadow knew I was in terrible pain. I didn’t even blame God and accepted every bit of this day. Somewhere inside I knew I will do better. Being very sensitive and a voracious crier even in small situations this time I decided I will put up a brave front and show people that I am strong, very strong. I just wanted my time, that’s it.But at last I gave up.
All my bravery and courage just vanished in an ounce of moment. In evening my cousin called to inform about our detailed marks. The moment I realised that I missed my chance to qualify by just 0.03 percentile my castle of bravery started devastating, but it was just the beginning. Giving my teacher the utmost importance in my life, I took it as my responsibility to tell him my marks. I did it. He said nothing except that my performance was fine but less than required. After that he didn’t say anything. Believe me readers it hurts when the person whose words you need the most is quiet. May be he wanted to give me my space and time but I needed my teacher to lift me up. My respect towards him is so strong that somewhere I felt so guilty that I have failed so terribly that he has no words to tell me.
Just a few moments later I saw his picture with my friend who got selected which was posted in his praise and to congratulate him. Generally unaffected by the vice of jealousy, this time I gave it on too. Now, I couldn’t control my tears. I broke, very badly. It didn’t matter to me whether someone else got more marks than me or got a way better college. All that matters to me are my parents and my favourite teacher(my chanakya). My parents never pressurised me not even my teacher. But I wanted to do something for him for all that time and efforts he has bestowed on me. I considered him my Socrates while being Plato to him. And that site, him praising some other guy was devastating for me. This was the time I was hating myself for not pushing myself few steps more. This was the time my faith was shaking and I involved God for whatever happened throughout the day.
My mom forced me to go to the temple with her to pray. Her faith in God is very strong. She told that praying would give me strength to succeed my next entrance test. But I was too weak and shattered to accompany her. I was mad at God. But at the end I went. I didn’t say anything to HIM. Not even prayed. He exactly know what hurts meΒ  the most, still I had to face that. I thought HE was trying his best to break me because I was so strong throughout the day. I just wanted to run but much to my bad luck I had more to face. I met a myriad of relatives. I tried to ignore but my mother popped into each one of them, telling how I missed my chance by just a few numbers. Those sympathising words were like thorns and finally I cried in front of everyone. I couldn’t hold them back. I freed those tears who were waiting to shine in someone’s eyes.

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65 thoughts on “Finally I did break

  1. It’s truly a pain when you don’t get what you want, what you think you need. However, it is a life truth that you will learn more by mourning those things you had and lost than to mourn those things you never had in the first place.

    I can see you are compassionate, you are also obviously gifted and talented. Use what you know you have to make the world a better place for everyone.

    You could do worse than start looking here: http://oneworld.org/jobs/

    RR

    Liked by 1 person

  2. (I read this post and previous post. One comment to both)
    Four years ago i had a plan, give my medical exams and pursue doctory. I hardly had any money to pursue it but i wanted to anyway. My parents never pressured me, they were all like do whatever you want to do. I agreed and gave my best. So for my entrance exam i studied a lot and tried my best.
    I SCREWED UP. BADLY. My scores were so bad that i was doubtful i could even gain entry anywhere and B.Sc was my future. Yes, less than fifty% in my entrance exam, that too without negative marking was shameful.
    Cut to present, i don’ have a single egret about what happened. I love how things turned up for me, i made my mistakes i learned from them and moved on. i gave enough exams to say this: Life’s too broad for a single exam, hell its bigger than 100 exams.
    It will get better. Take Care.
    And as for what your teacher said, f**k it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks mayur. I am going through the same phase even I scored good in my aipmt but now it’s been cancelled and I will have to study all over again. I know its a big big world and I have many more opportunities to come. I will never give up and move on but just now I need my time. Surely, in future I will laugh at this phase.
      And about my teacher I will say just one thing that he is not wrong and still trust him. He gave his 100% and it was my time to pay back. He still has faith in me and always there for me. So it doesn’t matter if he forgot me this time. At last all fault is mine.
      Thanks for your inspiring words. All the best for future πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. About your teacher, just remember that you are doing this for yourself. Repaying him is noble and righteous of you.
        Take care, if there’s anything i am sure i would be able to help if you reach out. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I really liked this, you write with emotion and that is great! Failure is just a second chance to perfect what went wrong the first time and crying is where the true strength is. Someone told me never apologize for your feelings because they are always right. You are a gem.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you fell short of your goal–this time, anyway. I think you show a lot of courage by sharing the intensity of your emotions with your blog readers. And your writing conveys that intensity very well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey don’t worry at all everything will be alright, in here we have lots to face,the bloody competition, pressure and lot more… So don’t worry there is always an chance open for us, I did face more pressurised situations than this. I think you are in +2, if I am right, Here in India subject till +2 is damn tough than in any professional course, so trust me once you complete all those competitive exams, you enjoy the subject and atmosphere in a professional course…. Well… This is really a long comment, I see a bit of myself in this, so I got a bit emotional….
    Take care and good luck for your futureπŸ˜€πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you abhijit. ☺
      I know I will enjoy my time later but now it is bit depressing. Yet I have overcome it and I am sure I will give my best in my next exam.
      I did my +2 the previous year and this year I was preparing for my competition exams. Thanks for your encouraging words. And thanks for reading ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Rakshanda I want to tell u dat u r a very gud writer and 1 imp thing dat who fail in life they r not fail they get a chance to improve dem self and I know u will b d one who will won and success will b at ur doors dear keep going don’t quit…..

    Liked by 1 person

  7. u r such a dhansu writer .

    itna deep thot n sensitive likhti ho
    …esa lag raha tha dat …ye act abhi ho rahi he
    any way ….shd v write noval ..together…if u dont mind

    Like

    1. Thanks for d compliment.
      I am studying write now and just having some holidays so I am not sure I will be able to write more.
      You should start your own blog. I am sure you will be very good.
      All d best

      Like

  8. Just a little irreverent comment here. No need to reply… πŸ™‚ Just that Plato never agreed with Socrates on anything (or for that matter with his own disciple, Aristotle).. he was a cantankerous old fellow, very opinionated and often contradictory πŸ™‚ I guess that is not how you were with your teacher πŸ™‚
    Sorry, been commenting too much.. flooding your posts with them..
    Anyway, what Mayur wrote above has merit too. I think that is correct. You never regret anything later on in life, as long as you achieve something, in whichever field you choose.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I know. I do not mean to diminish the feeling of so-near-and-yet-so far. I understand it. Just trying to console you in some way, because I can understand how painful it is.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yo, no problem πŸ˜€
        I like the fact that you are smart and I trust my instincts. I always picked up winners and you are one. So whatever you do, will be just alright. Moreover, you are earnest. And to tell you the truth, I am old and cynical, too tired to be pleasant most times and sometimes downright unkind. So you are lucky you caught me on a good day, hahaha.. Just kidding.. but yes, I will root for you and hope you succeed.. all the best

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Indeed a wonderful piece of writing! Though most of us have gone through such situations, not everyone can express these emotions as honestly as u have done! But the thing I liked the most about this post is the innocence! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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